Father, Help Your Daughter!

I'm a little bummed today. Not for myself really, but for my girlfriend who is just having a totally shitty day. It's so weird when you love someone so much and you see them hurting and you can't do a damn thing to fix it. I know I know...it's not my responsibility to "fix" it....it sucks not to be able to fly in like a superhero and make it all better, though. I hate seeing someone I love upset....especially when they're not even around for me to hug. Blah! That's my mini-rant.

I'm not feeling very creative today. So....I thought I'd do more of the book title thing....I just looked through the catalog and picked out a few things for ya. I've found that they fit into pretty much 4 categories.

*note: none of these titles are fictional books...I repeat: all are non-fiction books.

TITLES THAT SCARE ME:

STD’s: Sexually Transmitted Deceptions
well, okay then....?????
All You Need is a Good Brainwashing
sorry. that's already been tried...I'm not game for any more "brainwashing"
Harassing the Hosts of Hell
Jezebel: Seducing Goddess of War
Get in the Birth Position
yikes
PMS: Power, Money, and Sex

TITLES THAT MAKE ME SAY HUH????:

It’s Time Now to Break Your Box
Cover Us Daddy So the Wrong Fires Won’t Start
Dropping Your Rock
How to Behave in a Cave
Never Mess with a Man Who Came Out of a Cave
how about just "never mess with a man" lol (-;
Sex: More Than a Plumbing Lesson
there is just something about that title that makes me cringe every damn time
Church on a Rockin’ Oxen
I’m Too Fat For the Yoke
Satan Sang a Song and the Church Danced
Are You Under Attack or On the Attack
maybe we should ask that question of Dubya!
The Power of the Towel
yes...my towel is very powerful. lol
Gather the Leftovers—There is Life in Them
Dirt Digging Days are Over
Don’t Kick the Donkey
ok. I won't.
Lord Take My Problems but Leave My Pigs
ANYTHING BUT THE PIGS! TAKE ANYTHING BUT THE PIGS!!! ???????
Seven Ducks in a Muddy Pond
Sister, Thy Brother is Seated
Grasshoppers Don’t Eat Grapes
I’m Short But I’m Making a Comeback
I’m Getting My Bread
I Can Hop I Just Can’t Stop
Little Pot of Oil
how about just a little pot? is that what you had when you wrote this book?
Eight Ways to Keep the Devil Under Your Feet

TITLES THAT MAKE ME LAUGH:

Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry
(this book is by a woman) woot woot!!! girls kissin' girls. lol Except that's totally not what the book is about...I think the author totally missed the connotation, but hey....it works for me. lol
Naked and Not Ashamed
christian nudists perhaps???
Pokemon and Harry Potter: A Fatal Attraction
yes, the "evil" Pokemon and Harry Potter...they will warp the minds of your precious children....paaaahhhhhlease!
Exquisite Agony
a little bit o' S&M anyone??? yikes! (maybe this should be under the "scares me" category)
Sacred Sex
sheesh....they're obssessed!!!!
The Tongue--A Creative Force
why yes....yes it is!
Living Clean in a Dirty World
Daily Passion
I'm down with THAT! (-;


BOOKS THAT PISS ME OFF:

Be Intolerant
yeah that's JUST what those fundamentalists need! to be MORE intolerant!!!
The Faith of George W. Bush
my friend Kim had suggested a subtitle for this:
"My God's better than your God. World domination in 5 easy steps."
made laugh a lot (-;
or
"How to be a cokehead and still get to heaven" lol
Liberated Through Submission
this book is about how women should submit to men....a bit archaic, don't ya think?
Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality
need I say more???? Fuckers! How many little kids are gonna be emotionally screwed up by what their parent's do with THIS book?!
Power of Femininity
this says women need to be feminine....um yeah....guess that leave me out. lol
Redeemed From Poverty and Sickness
Here ya go...this one tells ya that if you're sick or poor you don't believe in God enough....you just need to have more faith and it'll all be peachy....SO wrong!!!
Redefining the Strong Willed Woman
again....submit to men submit to men submit to men
George W. Bush on God and Country
...and he didn't even write it himself *shock*
The Biblical Approach to Spanking
what is THIS?! a "Biblical" approach to child abuse?

Aaaaahhh....havin' a pretty slow day here...had a few funny calls, though.

FREAKY CALL:

Customer: Do you have a book called "The Mark of the New World Order Big Book of the Beast--Implantable Bio-Chip Technology"?

Me: Nope. (Yikes!)

FUNNY CALL:

Customer: (in the process of placing an order) I'll have this item number xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Me: (repeating back the title) You Are Someone Special.

Customer: I know I am. Thank you. You're someone special too.

Me: Why thank you!

lol....People are SO weird!

Ok...so I've been formally chastised for not posting for a couple of days. Was SO damn busy at work and just plain haven't had time at home, so lay off already. lol

Sitting here at work....it's a little slow (for once) due to the incredibly shitty wintery weather everywhere. In fact, it has been SO shitty that yesterday my coworker, upon seeing the accumulating snow and ice out the window, cried out, "Oh, Lord Jesus, have mercy on my soul!" Choking back laughter, I just sat their thinking about how long it would take me to scrape off my car YET AGAIN. Blah! But it was funny.

I'm currently listening to a mix CD my friend Andrea made. Sheep go to Heaven Goats go to Hell by Cake....followed by I Love Rock and Roll by Joan Jett! How much better can it get??!!! I admit it I admit it....I was air guitaring it in my cubicle on I Love Rock and Roll....lol

So now...on to more work weirdness...we get some of the strangest people calling in...here's one from yesterday. Is there any other type of customer service/call center where people have to deal with this crap?????

*phone rings*
Me: Good morning. Christian Distributors, how can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I want to order books from your company. I have a ministry where I give books away.

Me: Ok. We can send you some information and a catalog. May I have your name and address?

Customer: What I want to know is have you read all of the books? Can you tell me about them?

Me: No maam. I haven't read all of the books. There's no possible way I could do that. We carry over 15,000 items. If you have a question on a particular book, though, I can look up information for you.

Customer: What do you mean you haven't read them?! If you really loved Jesus you would try to read them. Are you scared? ARE YOU
AFRAID OF KNOWING THE LORD????!!!!

Me: No maam. I'm not afraid. We'll get this information in the mail for you. May I have your address?

Customer: Well God told me to give rice to the homeless. I give rice to the homeless. My children were wasting food and God told me I should give rice to the homeless. Do you have any idea how much you can
do with rice?!

Me: I'm sure they really appreciate that. I'll just go ahead and get this information in the mail for you. May I have your address?

Customer: Well you don't know how many....

Me: Maam, may I PLEASE have your address.

Customer: *finally gives her damn address*
Hold on a minute, honey, I have another call I'm going to take.

Me: (*thinking* I am SO not your "honey" you freak)
Maam, I really need to go, so I'll just go ahead and send you this information. Thank you for calling.
*hangs up*

OMG.....these people scare me....really really scare me. Why can't we take away THEIR marriage rights....or more preferrably their ability to reproduce????!!! It's just wrong. The poor kids....

And on another note, here's a strange book title of the day:
Don't Date Naked
No shit, Sherlock! How long did it take ya to figure that one out.....

*valley girl voice*and wouldn't that like be against your like religion or something????

I love my job. I have a headache.

I love my job! (maybe if I repeat it often enough.....) Here's a little anecdote for ya:

*phone rings*
Me: Good afternoon, Christian Distributors. How can I help you?

Customer: I need a Bible.

Me: Ok. What type of Bible?

Customer: I need a Scofield Study Bible, King James Version, published in 1960, Blue Genuine Cowhide Leather, large print, words of Christ in Red, with a concordance, indexed edition.

Me: Do you happen to know the ISBN or item # for that?

Customer: No. You can look it up for me.

Me:
in my head-- of course not you lazy fucking bastard...you're all the same
out loud-- Ok. *does a search*

Me: I'm sorry ma'am. We don't have that exact style. We do have it in a
bonded leather without an index, but not in that exact style.

Customer: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE IT???!!!

Me: Well, we just don't carry that particular style, but we do have many other options on similar items.

Customer: *screaming into the phone throwing a tantrum* WELL JESUS CHRIST THAT'S THE ONE I WANTED!!! *hangs up*

Me: *thinking* Wow....what an exemplary Christian you are. Yes...Jesus Christ is the main character in the Bible...maybe you should read it sometime....especially that part about anger....mothafucka

Just read something AWESOME on Margaret Cho's blog. She spoke out against Dubya and spoke up for same-sex marriage rights and got bombarded with ton's of hate mail....this is part of her response....see it all at her site

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Let's see. because I am absolutely adamant to fight for the right for same sex couples to marry, enjoy all the benefits that heterosexual couples have, because the government cannot and should not be able to tell consenting adults how and whom they would love, nor should they penalize them for doing what is natural and in the name of the Lord - righteous - because love is love is love is love - because I am a woman, because I am a feminist, because I am an Asian American, because I question our current administration and their disturbing tactics, their hypocrisy, their lies, their murderous, conniving antics - I should be fucked by pigs? I think that is such a strange penalty for an opinion that is only fair and just. I don't think that the pigs would like me that way. I haven't ever done a pig, but you just know when the other party just isn't attracted to you. I don't think that a pig or a boar for that matter would be that into me. I have tried flirting, looking a little too long in a pig's eyes, touching the pig's leg when I was talking to it, letting my hair fall over the pig's snout while laughing a sexy, snorty chuckle. Pigs just don't think I am hot. I asked God about it, and He just laughed. Laughed for a long time, until He started coughing. God and I have some good shit going on. I have a church in my house and I go up and talk to Him everyday. We get our groove on. He is telling me everything is going to be alright. He told me to remember that my name is ancient. "Margaret" is a Roman name, which means 'pearl.' "Pearls before swine!" He said, and then laughed so hard that milk came out of His nose. (We were kicking it with some Strawberry Quik.) God love to laugh at His own jokes, but they are truly divine.

I am enjoying the vitriol and the rage coming out from the haters and the crazy motherfuckers out there. It is indeed a crusade, for they falsely believe that God is on their side, but He is just embarrassed. God is awesome, and all are welcome in the House of the Lord. He got the crunk, He got the chronic, He got the best Djs. Fuckin A. He is God and shit, yo.

We have not been impressed by the insults. They haven't been mean enough, because they don't make sense. They are all about how I don't belong in this country, how I am ugly and fat, how my eyes and pussy is slanted, how all us gays and lesbians gonna burn in hell. It is kind of repetitive. Boring. I see that being crucified in the eyes of the right wing don't mean shit. It don't hurt at all. No thorn in my side, just boring in my side. It is funny.
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She rocks!...and as Kim said..."Boo ya!"

While I'm at it with the links....You can click on these on my links at the top right or by clicking on the links here, but I'll explain what they are.

Human Rights Campaign--The "Take Action" part of their website is a great resource. You can fax or e-mail directly to your congress people from this sight by just entering your address info.

Landover Baptsist & Whitehouse.org--These are HILARIOUS parody sites! They will bring out the smart ass in ya for sure!

Caramia--This is a blog written by a girl I went to college with that goes into great detail in examining the Christianity/homosexuality debate. It's deep reading but VERY worth your time if this is something you're interested in.

Sheesh. I've been SO busy today. I don't know what they think they're doing here making me actually work and all. Don't they know I have better things to do like write my blog? I told you they were crazy!

So....don't you HATE it when you get a really stupid song stuck in your head that just WON'T leave. Well, all this thinking about my past and all had me thinking about some funny things to share...unfortunately....one of them involved a song--that is now driving me NUTS!

Every year through elementary school and junior high I spent a week out of my summer away at a Christian camp called River Valley Ranch. It wasn't all bad...we got to ride horses and go to a rodeo and swim and everything....all in modest length shorts or coullottes (I don't even know how to spell that) and one piece bathing suits, of course. If I remember correctly, there were separate boy and girl swimming times. Ya just never know what might happen if a boy 8 year old sees a girl 8 year olds knees! Anyway....We had Bible Round-Up or something like that every morning and night where they'd have guest speakers that would come in and scare the shit out of us by telling us that Jesus was coming back "tonight" and we better give our hearts to Him and be ready or else burn in hell for eternity where there will be demons torturing you and gnashing of teeth and screams and impenetrable darkness and such..... and they taught us all these crazy songs that we would belt out at the top of our lungs somehow hoping that maybe if we sang as loud as possible we'd scare away the demons. The one that sticks out the most...the one that's stuck in my head at the moment was a classic:

Smoking, drinking, fist fights and dirty talk
They all make you walk the dirty walk
Smoking, drinking, fist fights and dirty talk
Jesus said NO NO don't do it!
Walk, walk, walk the Bible way
Read your Bible daily
Don't forget to pray
Walk, walk, walk the Bible way
Read your Bible every daaaa---aaaaa--aaaay!

Ugggghhh...So that's been torturing me today. Father help your daughter to get that song out of my head!!!! Still, though...I figure I'm pretty good....I don't smoke, I don't fist fight, only minimal drinking and dirty talk and I at least SELL a Bible a day....so that has to count for something. I don't want Jesus to say NO NO to me. (ooohhh...sacrilege)

In work news, though, I thought I would share some titles of books that we sell that disturb me:

A Lova Like No Otha
Yes. it really IS spelled like that....now what exactly might this book refer to? I'll let you decide.
How to Love a Black Man
I always assumed it was the same way you loved anyone else....but I guess not if you're a fundamentalist Christian
When I'm on My Knees
Guess it depends on who you are as to what you do when you're down there
Conspiracy to Destroy Black Boys
??????
I Went to Hell
Why????
What in Hell Do You Want?
exactly what I was thinking of saying when I picked up the phone to talk to you asshat
Lady, Her Lover, and Her Lord
well there's an awkward threesome
Famous Lovers in the Bible
don't they know that sex is a sin???
Holy Sex
no. I'm not kidding.
Sex Has a Price Tag
I don't know about you, but I don't personally pay for sex...however...if you're Jerry Fallwell or something I can see how you might need to

Aaaaahhhh....there are so many more. I will be sharing them as I think of them or come across them, but for now I must sign off. I never cease to be amazed, though....

Back to whining about how much I dislike George W....I was complaining about it in the office (out loud)...and my coworker says...."I just think it's so nice that Jesus is in the White House again." *cringe* *vomit* *gag*

hmmm....guess I'm a mad blog poster today, but I wanna get started on the good stuff.

Characters which may appear in my blog....

Andrea-Well Andrea is my lifeline. We both went to Grove City, we both work together, and I swear to God our mothers are cut from the exact same mold. It's scary sometimes. She's an intelligent, caring, and downright funny girl without whom I probably wouldn't have survived my work environment. She's gonna help me brainstorm on the stories and collect material. lol

Christie-She's my girlfriend. I love her to death and my life is a million times better just because she's in it! She is witty and funny and sweet and loving and....well....she's just so damn cute! (-: Don't know what I'd do without her.

Kim-Kim is such an awesome friend. She's one of the best listeners in the world and she gives the best advice ever. We all talked for 4 hours last night about how cool it is to have such a close group of friends like we have that have become like family--better than family. I couldn't agree more with all we discussed!

Ethan-What can I say about Ethan except that he's the most fabulous boy I know. And behind that party boy exterior, he's the biggest sweetheart ever.

Now onto the good stuff...A brief disclaimer: some of the stories and situations which I will recount may not have happened directly to me, but to my coworkers as well. However, for the sake of story-telling, I may tell them as if they happened to me. Some dialogue may be a bit embellished as well, mostly because I don't remember exactly what was said but I want you to get the gist of it...

Communion Wafers:
Here at the Christian Distributor, we sell many items to assist churches in administering communion to their parishioners. We have serving trays and special squeeze bottles to fill tiny communion cups and we have disposable mini cups and how to manuals and on and on and on...We even have a "pre-made" communion set that comes with a little plastic cup of grape juice that comes with a wafer sealed onto the top of it--kind of like "take out body of Christ"....the problem is that those little fuckers spoil after about 3 months....we're ALWAYS getting calls about people that get fermented "blood" or stale "body"....oops.

Communion breads sold by themselves, however, come in many different forms. You can get these hard little squares that taste like floury cardboard, or soft squares that are like tasteless bread. Or you can go the traditional route and get the communion wafers--little round disks that have a cross pressed into the top of them and are basically melt in your mouth styrofoam that tastes like....well....melt in your mouth styrofoam. They come in boxes of 1,000, so you're pretty good to go for a bunch of communion ceremonies if you get a couple.

Personally, most of the churches I went to used the little hard squares....or....if they were over budget, broken up crackers or wonder bread. It's the symbolism that's important I guess...not what you actually use. One church I went to ran out of grape juice and, since wine (it's got alcohol and that's a sin) was out of the question, they mixed up a batch of grape Kool-Aid for the drink part.

Back to the wafers...well, I'll just share a little story from the other day...
*phone rings*
Me: Good afternoon, this is Christian Distributors (name has been changed to protect my identity lol). How can I help you?
Customer: I need to buy a whole bunch of those communion wafers.
Me: Ok. How many do you need?
Customer: Well, you might as well just give me a whole case. I've got people buying them left and right.
Me: Oh. There must be a lot of churches in your area holding communion services.
Customer: No. That's not it at all. I have a lady that comes in and buys boxes of them at a time. It's like her favorite snack or something. She just likes to eat them as food.
Me: You mean she just sits down and eats a box of 1,000 communion wafers at a time?
Customer: Yes. Exactly. You've got it now. I also have another customer who buys them to give to her 3 year old son as a snack. He really likes them.
Me: *feeling slightly frightened* ummmmm ok....we'll get those right out for ya....wouldn't want him to starve or anything.

Me thinking: *nothing like serving up the body of Christ as a tasty afternoon snack* That kid is going to need some SERIOUS therapy when he grows up. And the lady that eats boxes at a time....well, she's obviously not on the Atkins diet, but I bet ya she's pretty darn holy by now! * Yikes! People are SO weird.

Ok...the communion wafer thing I'll get to later, but I'm already feeling the need to rant. Namely because last night was the State of the Union address and I have such issues with George W. Here is the section of the address regarding gay marriage:

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"A strong America must also value the institution of marriage. I believe we should respect individuals as we take a principled stand for one of the most fundamental, enduring institutions of our civilization. Congress has already taken a stand on this issue by passing the Defense of Marriage Act, signed in 1996 by President Clinton. That statute protects marriage under Federal law as the union of a man and a woman, and declares that one state may not redefine marriage for other states. Activist judges, however, have begun redefining marriage by court order, without regard for the will of the people and their elected representatives. On an issue of such great consequence, the people's voice must be heard. If judges insist on forcing their arbitrary will upon the people, the only alternative left to the people would be the constitutional process. Our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage.

The outcome of this debate is important -- and so is the way we conduct it. The same moral tradition that defines marriage also teaches that each individual has dignity and value in God's sight.
**********************************************

He keeps referring to "the people".... "Without regard for the will of the people"?????????????? Well, I am the people too! We are the people too! I wish I could say to him and all the other bigots that nothing will be taken AWAY from you by giving rights to us. You don't LOSE anything. What is your major fucking problem with understanding that? Just because we gain rights, doesn't mean we're taking yours. Don't be so damn selfish! "Judges insisting on forcing their 'arbitrary' will on people"???????? Um yeah....they arbitrarily just decided one day to pass a court order. I don't think so. Gay and lesbian people all over the country have been petitioning and bringing these cases to the courts and legislative bodies for years and it finally culminated in a case where blind homophobia did not rule out the judge's ability to see the inherent discrimination that has been written into laws all over the country which ban tax paying citizens from gaining hundreds of benefits that are freely available to their heterosexual neighbors.

Someone finally noticed that, yet again, America is discriminating against a large group of people based on religious bias (wasn't America founded to get away from that?).....and so-called "tradition". That's right Mr. President "the people's voice must be heard." My voice must be heard 'cause guess what....I'm a "people" too! I pay your salary too! Just because the only "people" you listen to are the ones that fall on your every word without questioning your fly-by-the-seat-of-your pants policy making doesn't mean the rest of us will stand by and let you permanantly trample our rights by writing discrimination into the Constitution. Haven't we already been over this in our country? We denied people rights and made purposfully discriminatory laws based on the color of people's skin. Didn't we learn our lesson about the moral evil of that? That's our "moral tradition", and it's one that shouldn't be repeated. Don't patronize me with that "dignity and value in God's sight" bull shit. I already KNOW that God values me...just the way I am as a matter of fact. Aaaaarrrggghhhh *Frustration*

The rest of the speech reminded me much of Michael Moore's documentary "Bowling for Columbine." People must be kept "afraid." We are under attack. There is no safety. The danger is still imminent. We have enemies. We must seek and destroy them. Violence. War. Fear....just keep it going and the people will blindly follow a leader who promises to "protect" them.....Meanwhile....our country continues to perpetuate that violence by not breaking free from the cycle of responding to violence and hatred with violence
and hatred. George Bush could care less about "the people." For some sick reason, he's in this for himself and if he can keep us afraid and unquestioning then he can continue to make his money and build his little empire. I just hope enough people are wise enough to see through the crap coming out of Washington and elect a new President later this year. Anyone but Bush.

And finally, on a humorous note. My page-a-day calendar had a funny quote on it today.

"Newsweek magazine says that President Bush is determined not to make the same mistakes as his father did, you know, like letting his kids get involved in politics." --Jay Leno

Aaaaahh. I'm finally caving in to peer pressure and creating a blog, and, surprisingly enough, I think I may have discovered my own little niche. Come to find out, I'm pretty unique???!!! Some might even say I'm queer. Well, by golly I am, so that's just fine with me! (-: In this first post, I want to lay the foundation for what I hope will be a forum for me to make my friends and anyone else that comes across this blog laugh a little, think a little, and perhaps listen to me rant a little should the need arise--which of course it will in the day to day of ONE RIGHTEOUS DYKE. Yep, that's me. My new superhero-esque moniker.....

You may be wondering what the hecht is up with the name of my blog? "Father, Help Your Daughter"....You might say, "Well that's a queer name if I ever heard one." But....as you will see...it fits. (-: Just keep your pants on for a bit and I'll tell ya soon enough.

First, I must give you a brief synopsis of my life thus far to prove to you that I am qualified to carry the title One Righteous Dyke. You see, one bright and sunny morning in September, 1977 I was born at the Baptist Children's Home in Valparaiso, Indiana. Two weeks later I was adopted into the family of a Baptist pastor and his wife. I was promptly "dedicated" at Calvary Baptist Church and faithfully attended Sunday School, Sunday morning church, Sunday night church, Wednesday night church, Vacation Bible School, church camp, church kid's club, and any other church related function from my diaper days all the way through somewhere around my sophomore year of college....Along the way I attended Calvary Christian School, Harford Christian School, Arlington Baptist School, Christian School of Southern York County, Canaan Christian Academy, The Baptist High School, Baptist Bible College, and finally Grove City College (a Presbyterian school) before heading out into the "real world." During my school years, my dad pastored 4 different Baptist churches and is currently on his 5th. Are you starting to see a theme here? I know my Baptists! (-: I know my fundamentalists too! And those "compassionate conservatives"...well they were my childhood idols! Word has it, I fell asleep with a flag in my hand watching the Republican Convention when I was less than 10 yrs old. Go Reagan!

I came from one of those families that are so uber-strict that they're almost a little scary to the outside world--no dancing, drinking, "secular music", limited TV if at all, no socializing with the "unsaved" or participating in anything that might be somehow construed as "worldly". Where the man is the "head of the household" and the women wear modest skirts, try to compete to see who can make the most tasty casserole for the church potluck and come up with the most creative Sunday school craft for the little kiddies who will someday grow up to carry the fundy torch on to the next generation. Seems so strange now, but when that's all you know....that's just the way it is. I once won a prize for being able to say all the books of the Bible in order faster than anyone else. And I was proud. Still am actually, but that's beside the point.

Life was "heavenly" and I was well on my way to becoming Mrs.-June-Cleaver-Christian-Homemaker-Republican-Jerry Fallwell II but life had different plans for me. It all started with a pesky little crush I developed when I was about 15...on my choir teacher....who was female. Yikes! What was a girl like me to do with that?!!! Loooooooong story short, after years of tough mental grappling with the "oh my goodness gracious I think I may just be one of those homosexuals" issue, a bit of therapy, much reading, a few tears, and then an ecstatic realization that for goodness sakes God must have made me this way and I'm A-OK!!!.....I find myself having turned into a liberal, feminist dyke instead. And one who is happier than she's ever been in her life. (Shout out to my AMAZING girlfriend Christie and all of my awesome friends!!!)

I still, however, have not cut all ties to my ultra-conservative past. You see, out of college I needed this little thing called money and come to find out, you usually have to get a job to get money. Someone in my dad's church who knew me and that I was jobless brought me into their company and got me a job! It was supposed to be a temporary thing, but they kept giving me raises and bonuses and nearly 4 years later I'm still there trying to pay off school bills and build a life that's moving forward and such. What kind of company you may ask? Well, technically, it's a "wholesale Christian book publisher and distributor." What that means is that Christian bookstores all over the world get the product that they carry on their shelves from us. So this is where I find myself today. Unable to escape from the clutches of the vastly cast net that is the conservative Christian community in which I grew up. Only now, I'm caught in the part of the net that is the bedrock of the money that drives the Christian community in the world today--where Bible-believing consumers will buy ANYTHING that is labeled "Christian." Seriously ANYTHING. The "Jesus fish" thingys that you see on cars, candy stamped with a Bible verse, mugs emblazoned with a cross, t-shirts, cards, calendars, journals, artwork, notepads, pencils, pens, music, Bibles and thousands upon thousands of mostly mind numbingly similar books and various other products. I talk to and work with fanatical people all day long, and I mostly find it incredibly ironic that they have a big 'ol dyke working for and with them--and yes...I am "out" to the majority of the people that I work with (ok, not management, but I'm making progress...) (-:

Sometimes I feel a little guilty about working where I work and knowing that what I sell sometimes contradicts my own personal beliefs, but the paycheck they give me has kept me there until something better comes along. A little surprise along the way has been the difference I have been able to make by coming out to some of the people I work with. By opening up about myself, I found that one of my coworkers has a son who is gay but never wanted to talk about him at work for fear that people would condemn her because she loves him so much. Another shared, when I came out to her, that she had a gay brother who died of AIDS in the early 80's, and she has always felt guilty about not trying to understand him better. One older lady who I had become friends with and came out to, doesn't quite understand it all and isn't quite sure what God thinks of me, but she asks me honest questions all the time, and our friendship has opened up quite a dialogue. It's quite remarkable actually. But the purpose of my blog isn't to get too serious that often. That's just background information. Being who I am in the places that I am often allows me to see and hear things that are just too damn funny to keep to myself. People are insanely weird--sometimes to the point of being a bit scary--and the phenomenon seems to be a bit more prevalent in the world of the Christian fundamentalists. I find that by laughing at them, I can most often keep myself from being somewhat frightened by their strange ways. Sometimes they make me a little angry too...or a lot angry....but laughing about it seems to help that too....so that's what I'm here to do. Laugh about the situation in which I find myself.

So...about the title of my blog. I have a coworker who, every time she is having difficulty with a customer on the phone or with figuring something out, will put her phone on mute, raise her hands in the air and shout a plea to God for the whole office to hear. Her battle cry is "Father, help your daughter!" The first time I heard it, I had trouble not falling on the floor in a fit of hysterical laughter and after sharing the vignette with my friends and making them laugh so hard they snorted, I decided it would be the perfect title for my blog. After all, I need help too, gosh darn it! So...I say to you now "Father, Help Your Daughter". One Righteous Dyke is in da house and on a mission! May hilarity ensue!

(hopefully my next posts won't be so dang long!) (-:

Stay tuned for the first "real" installment of my blog where you will hear about one of my customers who buys communion wafers from us to give to her young son as a snack! (-: Praise be to God!